Saving the TV season

Due to the writers strike, we may instead get stuck with these shows this fall.  Enjoy!

 

THE IDIOT BOX

Back To Reality: Your Next TV Season
With the writers' strike in full swing, Radar offers a lineup of TV shows you may be seeing soon. It's not pretty

SCAB-FRIENDLY Imus, Barr, Herman (Photo: Getty Images)
As the reality of the writer's strike sets in, we face the growing fear that once scripted entertainment dries up, desperate networks will be forced to fill their schedules with even more reality programming. Consulting with industry experts, Radar can reveal some of the new shows that might be coming to your set soon. It's not pretty.

The Amazing Racist: Six teams of varying ethnicities, with their accompanying prejudices, search for prizes in the most unlikely of places. Marvel as the pair of inbred southerners scour Boston's Roxbury neighborhood for Klan regalia. Be thrilled as the team of Islamic fundamentalists is forced to find the afikomen at a passover celebration. Sit on the edge of your seat as a couple of Puerto Ricans attempt to infiltrate the St. Patrick's Day parade. Host: Don Imus.

America's Next Top Hand Model: The fingers fly in this cut-throat competition to see whose digits will be chosen for a wide array of jewelry ads and American Sign Language presentations. Host: Pee Wee Herman

[More after the jump!]

Average Ho: A strapping young money-bags thinks he's going on a Bachelor-esque love connection show. But when he shows up there are no heaving hotties, only snaggle-toothed prostitutes. Find out if beauty is in fact only skin deep. Host: Heidi Fleiss
Grizzly Man: Hilarity—and tolerance—ensue when Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) takes cameras along as he lives among the bears of Washington D.C.'s gay scene.
Meal or No Meal: Homeless men and women try to win food by guessing which briefcases contain steaks while avoiding the apple cores and three-quarter-smoked cigarette butts. Well-fed plus-size models serve as the eye candy. Host: Roseanne
Extreme Makeover: Fetus Edition: We've seen ugly people and wrecked homes get the Extreme Makeover treatment. Now unborn babies get the fixes they need to be perfect people. Host: Suri Cruise
Black Kid Nation: We're going to get into a lot of trouble for this one, but you know you're gonna watch. Host: Snoop Dogg
Extreme Makeover: Homo Edition: A group of former-gays try to convert a gay couple to being straight. Hosts: Donnie McClurkin, whichever Queer Eye guy is really desperate for work.
Italian-American Idol: You know how the most entertaining early contestants on American Idol are the slick-haired mooks who think they can carry a tune? We've got a whole series full of them! Host: The fat guy from *NSync
Project Terrorist: Sixteen individuals with experience in law enforcement face-off to determine who is the best interrogator. Each week, contestants receive their own "suspect" and must determine what he or she knows using whatever methods they see fit. Creativity is championed. Host: Donald Rumsfeld
Survivor: New Orleans: Timed with the coming hurricane season, teams struggle to set up homes that with will withstand the next levy break. It's actually part Junkyard Wars, part primal struggle, part testimony to the fact that we don't care about poor people in this country except to watch them lose everything on TV. Host Michael Brown
The Aphasing Race: We've upped the stakes on this popular team competition: Can a group of stroke sufferers and victims of blunt-force head trauma reach their objectives in spite of an inability to speak or comprehend basic language? Will they even find their way home? Host: Andy Rooney
The Apprentice: Cambodia: Forget learning about mergers and acquisitions. On the latest iteration of The Apprentice, contestants will work 22-hour days with no bathroom breaks to see who really has what it takes to make it in the backstabbing (and backbreaking!) world of a Southeast Asian sweatshop. Winner gets a one-year contract sewing Air Jordans at the local Nike plant. Host: Kathie Lee Gifford
The Bitch Whisperer: How can you tame less-than-savory women and men in your life when they refuse to be controlled? The Bitch Whisper (noted pick-up artist Mystery) turns your companions into the docile, subservient mates you've always longed for.
The Biggerest Loser: Not only do we slim these lardtubs down, we actually fatten them up first. Who will have a heart attack before they reach the thinning portion of the show? Find out each Wednesday at 9 p.m.! Host: Matthew Perry
Top Chef: Arby's: Do you have what it takes to make it as a line-order cook at truckers' perennial fave, Arby's? Compete in a variety of challenges (see who can sneak the most severed digits into a vat of turkey chili without a customer lodging a complaint) and find out! Host: Mario Batali
The Less-Than-Thrilling Race: Six teams of stoners attempt to reach the 7-11 before it runs out of Cool Ranch Doritos. This one is actually kind of a snooze, but let's be honest, there's nothing else on, is there? Host: Jim Breuer
The Biggest Boozer: Teams compete to see who can get into the most L.A.-area clubs and imbibe the most alcohol possible without spending a dime of their own money. Bonus points for DUIs! Jason Gummybear Davis hosts. Watch for the Lindsay Lohan cameo!
Dawg the Bounty Hunter: With America's favorite mullethead currently doing time in sensitivity training, Isaiah Washington steps in to exclusively hunt down hunt down white-collar criminals.
The Surreal Death: Exactly like Surreal Life, except has-been B-listers are armed to the teeth with state-of-the-art weaponry. Only one is allowed to leave. Contestants: Michael Richards, Larry Birkhead, Jimmy Fallon, Mel Gibson, and everyone involved with the sitcom Two-and-a-Half Men. Host: Rebecca Gayheart
The Amazing Rape: A stationary camera sits out front New York nightlife hotspot The Box. Rapery ensues! Mike Tyson is your host.