Monday, February 20, 2017

B365V4.6 - Go go Gadget Fudge

     So this is one of those blogs where I am not going to change the names to protect the innocent (or guilty) but I will be compelled to hide a few details in case someone does a google search someday.  Don't get me wrong I like blog traffic, for the right reasons, not sure this is a right reason though.

     Anyway, I got a call at work today from Damian (that name alone should lead one to think evil) from such and such company.  It was a small company, you probably hadn't heard of it, it even took a while for the company name to ring a bell in my head, but anyway, we carried their product (fudge) many moons ago.  They had some killer fudge too, it was way tasty, they even had this mint fudge that was to die for.  Well, maybe not that extreme, guess it depends on how much you value your life and all that jazz.  Anyway we had gotten a few deliveries from them, it was a higher quality fudge, (which means it costs more to you the customer) and we had a little success in selling it, though it certainly didn't blow the doors off or anything. 

      The thing was, the next time I would see the fudge guy wasn't during a delivery, but in the pages of Mugshot Mania, a local who's who of the incarcerated or soon to be incarcerated set.  Our delivery guy was wanted for something involved with sexual contact with a minor or something like that.  Of course I chimed in and said, I wondered if he lured  kids to the van with fudge, and thus a new Smithfield character was born, Fondling Fudge Guy.  Fondling Fudge Guy joins the Smithfield pantheon of Fucking Chicken Lady and Jesus on a Stick Guy, though I have never seen the last two in Mugshot Mania. 

     Apparently they are restarting the fudge business and wanted to garner our interest in carrying the product.  I finished the phone call in as noncommittal fashion as I could and  quizzed Sammy (who has helped with the naming of the pantheon, he coined Crazy Canadian for the ex, whose distance from Smithfield keeps her out of the pantheon, but not from being the subject of one of those crazy Lifetime movies some day) asking him to guess who I just talked to.  Of course he had no clue, I would have never planned on that phone call myself, but I almost too excitedly shouted out, "the Fondling Fudge Guy".  Then we started singing the Inspector Gadget theme song, because we always do that when talking about sexual predators and who is a bigger creeper than Inspector Gadget.  He had the white van to toss kids in, and always wore that creepy trench coat with the crazy gadgets in it to impress the kids.  I wonder if he had fudge in the coat pockets.

Friday, February 17, 2017

B365V4.5 - "Bae"-watch

     Apparently some, if not all, of us have a a word or two in the English language that feels odd when we say it, almost cringe worthy.  I know plenty of people who have issues with the word moist, I am not one of them but I have talked to many people who have problems with that word.  Likewise I have a friend who has an issue with Isaly's using the word hammier, and if there are degrees of haminess (I would say there are and Isaly's is the hammiest).  But I wouldn't be typing this unless there was a word which fit that buzzword void for me and there is, it's bae.

     Doing a quick google inspired search led me to three possible origins for this collection of letters, the first being an shorthand for "before anyone else" which would be great if one was referring to themselves, but I have rarely seen someone say they were their own bae.  Being a proponent of the philosophy of you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, it would make sense to me if someone called them self their own bae.  Beyond this potential meaning though, the wheels start to fall of the wagon for relative usefulness.

      As I was searching, I read it could also be an affectionate term for baby, at which point I would say then just type baby.  I mean are we so fucking illiterate that we can't be bothered to type one more god damned letter.  Really, if you are that lazy might I just suggest you kill yourself now and save the rest of the world the troubles of your laziness.  What sort of mathematical calculations are going through your mind at that point, "you know I could type baby, but that extra letter, it might take a whole extra 3 tenths of second to type and I don't have that kind of time."  If you can't invest the fractions of a second in your relationship to use something approaching English by typing one extra letter, then your relationship has far bigger issues than trying to be cutesy in a text message.

     The third thing I ran into made this all kinds of entertaining though, as bae is apparently Danish for poop.  Talk about terms of endearment, I can't recall at any time during my 47+ years on this planet where I felt compelled to call someone I was romantically involved with my little shit nugget.  Or worse, as I am sure we have all had those days where we ate something that did not agree with us and perhaps Pepto Bismol was involved, but you went to the bathroom and did your business and then went to wipe and the best way to describe the process was finger painting with your ass.  You're hoping against hope that the toilet paper has enough integrity that your fingers don't come plowing through it like a PAT bus on the busway and you get fingers full of liquid bae.  Get me Shirley McClaine on the phone, we have a winner.

     Oh well, I could spend all night here complaining about poop but I have brownies to bake and I hear they are really moist.

Friday, February 10, 2017

B365V4.4 - I got two

     I would like to say that not posting anything last week was simply an oversight on my part, but in truth I have been lazy.  Just can't see to find a writing voice.  But my writing voice goes hand in hand with reading and I haven't done much of that recently either.  The best I can say is that my life is in a holding pattern, still waiting on my $5000 check from the lottery (we are on week #3 now, the lottery claims it takes 4-6 weeks), it isn't late, but I am still already spending it in my mind.  There are only so many times I can go on Expedia and look at travel packages before I just want the check and book the thing already. 

    But since I can't do that, I might as well say that I have also found a new website I have been playing with in my free time.  Called Radio Garden, it pops up an almost Google earth like globe with a bunch of green dots on it.  Each dot represents a place where there is a radio stream, you can either click on the dots and go right to a market or uses you mouse as almost a radio tuner and who doesn't remember hiding an AM radio under your blankets at night, trying to tune in obscure sound bubbles from everywhere?  If you don't, you are probably too young for this blog and should have heeded the content warning before making it this far.  I hate Pittsburgh radio with a passion, even the alternative rock station is basically a classic station, with music that is 20+ years old.  I realize Pittsburgh is an older market, but when shit that is 40 yeasr old is still played like it is a current, then you lose this listener pretty quickly.  So I have been checking out stations in Canada, I ran across a metal station along the St Lawrence Seaway that was kind of cool, and I listened to the Calgary play by play the other night when the Flames were playing the Penguins.  I will say that it doesn't have every stream out of every city, but it is enough of a radio clearing house that I am cool with it.

As for work these days, it sucks.  Not the job or the people, but I used to be able to go upstairs and just order things we needed, now I am on a budget, so ordering has become almost like putting a finger into a dike in hopes of stopping the oncoming flood, what do I buy first, what do we need the most.  Honestly, it would probably take about $20,000 to get us back to here we need to be on inventory, but like today i was told not to go over $3000.  So if I buy the things that are going to sell, I will be out of them by the time of my next order, if I buy things to make the shelves look fuller I will be buying things that don't sell as quickly, leaving people to go someplace else for those things that do sell.

I am still waiting on my hockey tickets, I m actually starting to get nervous at this point.  When we signed our newest 7 Up contract I was told to pick a game, I chose Feb 14th because it is Vancouver (hello?) as an added bonus it is Valentines Day and what better non romantic thing to do than go to a hockey game.  But here it is  5 days before the game and I still don't have the duckets in my grubby little paws.  I would like to take someone but I am wary of asking without having the tickets ahead of time because I would feel like the ultimate douchebag to ask someone, have them say yes (which is problematic at best) and then come game day not have tickets.

 Not sure why people look forward to Friday so much.  I still hadn't heard from 7 Up yet, so I called Ed to get Brian McGee's number and see what the deal was with the hockey tickets for Tuesday night.  Turns out he had given them out, i was asked if there was another game I wanted, I pulled a few other options after consulting the schedule, but it really but a kibosh on the unValentine's Day feel watching hockey on that Hallmark holiday would have created.  It was the first time in a long time I was looking forward to it.  Just not for romantic reasons.

Instead I ended up having dinner at the Squirrel Cage tonight, which will have to be treat enough until a game becomes available.While I was typing this my phone just ran, it was Brian a@ & up, he said he could do March 3rd (Tampa Bay) which is neither Valentine's Day nor is it Vancouver, but he said he had 4 tickets, I said I only needed two if that was okay, no sense in eating up the store's allotment of tickets in one game (we get roughly $1000 in seats per year, part of out contract), but knowig what hockey tickets run 4 would be too big a splurge.  I would lie to think I have earned them though, after all I am there 6 or 7 days a week, every week, haven't called in sick in probably 3 years now, the only time I took off was for my vacation last year, I have worked every holiday for the last two years plus, so if I get a little present once in a while, I am not going to act like  I don't deserve it.

On that note I think I will close up now, listening to a station in Panama City on Radio Garden, after listening to a station out of Estonia last night, now if only I could understand the commercials.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Penguins @ Senators 01/12/2017

Ottawa 4  Pittsburgh 1

Connor Sheary - G

First time Pittsburgh has lost consecutive losses in regulation since December of 2015

Penguins @ Capitals 01/11/2017

Washington 5  Pittsburgh 2

Phil Kessel - 2 A

Only the second time in Pittsburgh's last 15 games they failed to record a point (11-2-2)

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Lightning @ Penguins 01/08/2017

Pittsburgh 6  Tampa Bay 2

Matt Cullen, Sidney Crosby - 2 A each

Marc-Andre Fleury is 7-0-1 in his last 8 starts

Canadiens @ Penguins 12/31/2016

Pittsburgh 4  Montreal 3  OT

Evgeni Malkin - G, A

Malkin passed Sidney Crosby for first in the NHL in points (43-42)

Hurricanes @ Penguins 12/28/2016

Pittsburgh 3  Carolina 2

Sidney Crosby, Chris Kunitz, Carl Hagelin - G each

Pittsburgh scored twice in the third period to overcome a 2-1 deficit

Penguins @ Devils 12/27/2016

Pittsburgh 5  New Jersey 2

Sidney Crosby - G, 2 A

Crosby has a goal in 4 straight games

Devils @ Penguins 12/23/2016

Pittsburgh 4  New Jersey 1

Evgeni Malkin - 2 A

Pittsburgh had their 450th consecutive sellout

Penguins @ Blue Jackets 12/22/2016

Columbus 7  Pittsburgh 1

Sidney  Crosby - G

Crosby leads the NHL with 23 goals

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

B365V4.3 - Of Mice and (almost) Men

     Once again I guess I should regale you all with a story.  Well, maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't but it's my keyboard so I call the shots here.

     I should start by saying apparently we have mice at work.  Not for sale or anything, but mice nonetheless.  Upon spotting one of the nasty critters, we called our exterminator to come in and do a once over on the place.  He did his poking and prodding, couldn't find a nest or anything (yay to that) and suggested that they are probably coming in from outside to where it is warm.  So he did a couple of the trap things and what not and within a couple of days we had caught two of them.  apparently he must think like a mouse or something. to nab two of them that quickly.  Truth be told, rpior to the exterimator's visit we had seen two, so part of me was thinking, hey, problem solved.

       So I am sitting at my desk Thursday, Brian is walking an insurance adjustor around the building, I am busy doing my thing in my half of the office.  If work was like one of those 70s comedy episodes where the roommates don't get along and split the apartment in half, the divining line would not be down the middle of the office but would be front half and back half as Brian works (if you can call it that) at his desk in the back of the office, my desk as well as the back office computer are in the front half of the office, the only time I use the back of the office is when I am working alone and feeling all Godfather-y, forcing people to walk the length of the office to beseech me for favors and what not.

      My desk sits against one wall, the back office computer sits all catawampus from my desk, on a desk against the opposite wall.  Since my desk chair ahs wheels on it, I usually just roll back and forth between the two.  So as I am at the computer desk, I look over toward my desk and I see something under it.  At first I can't quite make it out, but as my eyes begin to focus on the shape I realize that it is a mouse.  A pretty ballsy one two, sitting there on all fours, not moving, almost like he is watching me work. 

     While this mosue is looking pretty brave, I am not.  I don't like mice or rats, and while i am sure there are brave people out there who would have just went over and caught it, or stomped on its head and killed it, I am not one of those people.  So I take a small piece of cardboard near me and throw it under my desk to scare him off.  He just sits there, almost taunting me, but does not move at all.  My next attempt to get him to move, I shoot a rubber band under my desk.   The rubber band zips over his head, hits a shopping basket behind him that is also under my desk and bounces off, landing right beside him.   He still doen't move.

     At this point I get up out of my chair and start to approach him.  I stomp my foot beside my desk, he still doesn't move.  The Dr McCoy in my mind starts saying "I think he's dead Jim", but I still don't want to touch him, so I go looking for a broom, and a small box or something to put him in.   I find the needed tools and sweep him into a a soda case box, then drop him in a bag and exit the office.  Suddenly the mouse's plan came to mind, how I can get away from my desk and get out of the office, all I have to do is die.

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