Blogger 365 Day 118 - When things start to become real

     I went in to work today feeling blah.  Nothing against work, at least nothing new per se, but my nap yesterday afternoon left me having trouble getting to sleep and when I did wake up my stomach had that horrid feeling like I had drank too much the night before, not alcohol, just the sound your stomach sometimes makes when there is too much liquid in it.  Worse, a couple of times during the night I had woke up feeling like I was about to throw up, and while I managed to keep that from happening there was that horrid bile taste in my mouth like maybe I would have been better off throwing up to begin with.  Despite all of that fun stuff I did go ahead and get up and make my way into work. 

      Work has taken on this Tennessee Ernie Ford feel ("You move 16 tons and what do you get?  Another day older and deeper in debt.") and if I had to rate my desire to be there on a scale of 1 to 10 it would have been somewhere around a 2 maybe.  I got in the office, settled all of the lottery monies and got them ready for the bank and then hopped upstairs to help Sammy put away the grocery order.  The order was somewhat smaller because the deli didn't bother telling me what they needed for Monday and I had no desire in doing their job for them, so I didn't and they got nothing.  After that there was a new rack to be put up, other things that Ed wanted moved around had to be taken care of and I managed to find some things to do as well, like putting out the cardboard and adding some more items to the register system. 

        Ed called from Florida to see if I had done everything he had asked to be done (of course I did) and for my hours the previous week which were on my laptop in the office, so I had to head back down and get those so I could fax them to him and while I was on the computer I went ahead and checked both the company email and my own personal email.  In my email was a response to one of the applications I had put out yesterday, I am wanted for an interview later on this week, either Thursday or Friday so I guess the ball is rolling on me keeping or leaving my current job.  I am in a position where I do not have to leave, but a good enough offer would certainly push me in that direction so it will be worth my time to listen and see what exactly they have to say. 

     After getting all of my stuff done in the office I decided to get my lottery deposits ready and head off to the bank.  I bagged everything up and headed out the door and no more than got outside and standing at the bus stop right outside the store was Robin, the former receptionist and sales assistant at Renda Broadcasting.  I honestly hadn't seen her in at least 6 years now.  Apparently she was downtown because she had stopped by the Art Institute to apply for a part time job there and was catching a bus home.  Her and I got to talking about old times and she said some of the nicest things about me and my time at the radio station, which brought back a flood of memories.  After working for our stations she had apparently went to work for Clear Channel as well for a number of years (Clear Channel owns at least 6 stations in Pittsburgh) and she said of all of her time in radio I was the best radio show producer she ever knew, because I actually came in prepared and well read so I could crack a mike in a show and actually know what I was talking about.  I'll admit I am not above some flattery every once in a while but it got me to thinking about how much I missed the old me.  Not just the fact that I spent countless hours preparing for shows and trying to verse myself in potential radio show topics, but simply because I had more energy and passion then for what I was doing.  Sure I made less money and far too often being in radio meant working two jobs just to make ends meet, but there was an enjoyment to what I was doing that has been sorely lacking recently.  It was like looking into a mirror and not recognizing the person I was looking at. 

     The thing is, I am not sure how to get that person back.  Maybe it is a simple as switching jobs, maybe it is something more profound that I can't quite put my finger on.  I do know that when I worked in radio, even though I was the talent that people tuned in to hear, there was still a certain level of autonomy and and bottom line responsibility that came with what I did.  If I made a call about what should and shouldn't be on the air, it was my call and I lived with the consequences, whatever they may be but there was a certain level of trust that was put in my judgement.  I don't have that now, even if I am a so called manager, I really do have that say, I am more like a suggestion box than anyone with any authority.  Which is fine, I can live without the authority, but then don't give me the responsibility either, I do not need to be held accountable for decisions that I am not allowed to make.  I can't be asked to fix what's broken and then not be allowed to fix the problems I see.  That is just wasting my time.

      So I will see how the interview goes this week, maybe it will be more along the lines of what I am looking for, maybe it will just be more of the same, who knows but it can't hurt to find out.