B365v2.94 - Fixations

We start today's entry off with an update of sorts, adding another $2.26 to the change meter to bring the total to $635.10.

With the bookkeeping out of the way it is best I go about the business of blogging from Schenley Park tonight.  I tried blogging in the park downtown earlier, but just couldn't get into a vibe for it.  Truth be told I am still not in a vibe for it, this place is missing the peace and quiet of Elderton.  Tonight would be one of those nights where I would just lay out in the grass of the back field of the trailer park (spoiler alert, I am trailer people) and just sit there and look up and at the stars and think.  Pittsburgh and my life these days doesn't allow for that type of introspection, far too many noises and distractions get in the way.  When your bus on the way to work nearly holds as many people as your entire hometown then you get the difference between here and there.  There you are a quick walk into the woods away from getting away from all of the noises and distractions, here that is not quite as easy.  It's one of the reasons I need to get that vacation I have been planning, I need out of here in the worst way.  I need time away to clear my head,recharge my mental batteries and come back a new person.

Plus I need to get out of the funk that I have been in.  I can't sit here and say I am depressed because I am not.  And there enough good things going on that I can't complain too much, but still I have been trying to put a finger on why I am so off, for lack of a better word.  On my bus ride home from work and my trip to the park downtown I came across a revelation as to what may be my problem, I get fixated on things too easy.

Prime example, today Brian scheduled an audit for the Pa lottery.  Basically they come in and count the tickets and what not and give us a number as to what we would owe the lottery if we were to shut it off today.  The last time they had done an audit was as far back as a decade ago, long before I even started working with the company.  Still I take responsibility for anything that has happened since I have been in charge, so to say I was shocked when I heard how the audit turned out, I was nonplussed to say the least.  The number came up as over $17,000.  The rest of the day I was stuck on that number, almost to the point that I forgot everything else. Ed tried to reassure me, saying it wasn't my fault, it was a problem from before I got there, but I kept running through my head places where I might have screwed up.  I can't think of anything that I have done over the last year and couple of months that would constitute a 17,000 fuck up.  God knows if I had made off with that kind of cash I wouldn't be living in an efficiency apartment in Oakland.

In my heart of hearts (if I have a heart) I do know Ed doesn't blame me and I am worrying about nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I think of the people that had my job before me that I worked with and I can't say that they would strike me as people that would make that kind of mistake either, nor would I expect them to steal that amount of money.  So I don't know what happened, but it just eats away at my brain.

Likewise there are some other things that I can't push to the back of my cranium, which is where they need to reside as opposed to front and center.  It was one of the reasons I was looking forward to lunch with Debbie this week, so I could get some good advice that I eventually would not follow and regret afterward.  But Debbie's mom fell down this past week, her mom has more health issues than mine and her stepdad has health issues as well (Alzheimer's if I am correct) which means that Debbie has her hands full so we had to postpone our lunch outing.  What can I say, there are only a handful of people who I trust with my inner workings, and I will not spew those forth on the page.  Sorry, but not for public consumption.