Blogger 365 Day 32 - Why?

Saturday afternoon. Squirrel Cage. Trying to decompress a little bit. I am maybe halfway through my workday, it started at 10:30 am with a trip to Gus Millers, then to Smithfield News, then back to Gus Millers, and now some lunch before I head back to Smithfield a second time. I do not want my blog to turn into some sort of dream book, but I think that part of what has been ruminating in my head goes back to what I dreamt about last night. I had a dream that I was working at my old radio station again, what caused such a dream who really knows, maybe it was the 3rd anniversary of Doug's passing, but for whatever I was dreaming that I was back there again and the program director was asking me what we could do to improve the station. How we know this is a dream would be twofold; 1) I would never be consulted on such a decision and 2) the station is now operated by a religious outfit. But the dream got me to thinking on the way to work this morning, it was really a simple thought that went through my head, that being, what is the endgame to what I am currently doing? I have been at Smithfield News for over 5 years now, and I have managed to climb the company ladder somewhat, but to what end? How does this play out?  Certainly this is not how I had hoped things would turn out, after being in radio for better than a decade I would have hoped by this point in time I would have had my own radio show, been entertaining the masses for a few years now and while not independently wealthy, I would at least be living somewhat comfortably. Instead I am in a job where, despite having the requisite skill set needed, and working with people that I get along with for the most part, I can't sit here and say that I am overly happy with my lot in life either. I know most weeks I will end up working 6 or even 7 days, and usually by the time I get home I am just to exhausted to want to do anything else, so I just sit there, waiting for the next work shift to come. Wash, rinse, repeat indeed. I am not even sure why I do this, save for the fact I seem to have the skill set required to do the task at hand, that and the fact they pay me for it. Beyond that though? I really couldn't tell you. I can't sit here and honestly say I get much joy from it, and the longer I do it the more I just feel an unending pressure, like the very survival of the business is ultimately going to fall squarely on my shoulders. That would be enough of a burden, but when it comes time to make the decisions that need to be made, then I might as well be the Queen of England, my position becomes nothing more than that of a figurehead, I am just supposed to somehow find a way to make the decisions of others actually work. For the locals perhaps a better way to describe it would be to think in terms of the Pittsburgh Penguins, you know you have talent to work with in the top six,yet for some reason the coach wants to double shift the third and fourth lines. I know we have people who are talented and want to work, yet we continue to cater to those that are only there for a paycheck. As a result the level of frustration grows. It was tempered a little bit this winter, when Dee and I were allowed to do some hiring, because so far 4 out of the 5 people we have hired have worked out to this point. By worked out I mean they are significantly better than the people they replaced. Still I have been at this current position for 6 months now and I still feel like a kid with his learner's permit, I know I can drive if only the parents would let me have the car. But they don't and I can't help wondering if I am just wasting my time. It is like a Communist hell at this point, 5 years down and I am not certain I am any better off than I was 5 years ago. I work harder now with longer hours and I can't see where anything is significantly better. Oh well, enough griping from me. Lunch is over, time to head back to work and spend more time serving the empire.