Standards and practices

There are times like this, where I can’t really sort out my thoughts is any sort of coherent manner. There is so much of nothing to say, that I don’t know where to begin, and if I do find a starting point, I am not sure how the dialogue ends.
I think that is one of the reasons I don’t consider myself much of a writer, most people have a story to tell, whether it be fiction or fact, and at least have an idea of how the story will begin and end, whereas I often times have no idea where I will end up, especially if I am writing about myself and my life, because for me it is always a work in progress.

Recently that progress has seemingly been stymied for whatever reason. I guess from a professional perspective (if you can really call my job a profession), it isn’t so much that I need people to shower me with accolades (though Ed does that quite a bit), but it just seems like I am being held to some higher standard than everybody else in the room. Not that I mind high standards, I just wish they would be applied evenly. Call me on the carpet for my shortcomings if you wish, but call everybody onto the same carpet, don’t pick and choose, which seems to happen more often than not. On the relationship front, I guess things are almost like “Groundhog Day”, in that we keep repeating the same things day after day, expecting a different outcome.

I have been in an online relationship for almost a year now, I couldn’t tell you the exact date that everything sort of blossomed, so for statistical purposes we tend to use the day in which she first commented on my old blog page as the day when everything began, back in Sept of 2011. Like any relationship, it has had its fair share of peaks and valleys, moments that you want to hold onto forever and moments that you would just as soon forget.

Right now it isn’t so much a peak or valley as it is just hanging onto things that are probably better off being put behind us. Conversations that start with such promise and warmth diffuse into conversations about our shortcomings and would the other person be better off elsewhere. Further conversations end up in the wash, rinse, repeat cycle, until it almost becomes a battle of wills to see who can downgrade themself the most. Perhaps that is just a product of us being single for so long prior to meeting, she had been single for over three years, myself even longer than that, maybe 8 or more (I am terrible with dates), and relationships aren’t like riding a bicycle, you get so comfortable in being alone that you just aren’t sure how to act when someone else is part of the equation. Or maybe it is just a defense thing; if we don’t over commit we can lessen the pain if it doesn’t work out. I really don‘t know.

What I do know is that the end result for both of us is much like what I am doing now, lots of sleepless nights, just staring at the walls (or in my case listening to the alarm clock tick and the whirring of the fan in the living room), wondering if tomorrow is a day where we move forward, backward or stay in the exact same place.