B365 V2.35 - Running on E

     I am in what you might call a funk.  Not a cool Grand Funk Railroad kind of funk, but rather the kind where everything is just blah, where the day is more about going through the motions then anything of import actually happening.  The type of mood where you just don't want to do anything.  When I got on the bus to head in a homerly direction, I thought about going to the Squirrel Cage, a place that can usually lift my deadened spirits  and which is also along my bus route home (67H Squirrel Hill, holla!) albeit further past my normal stopping point to get off the bus on my way home.  But as the bus was heading to my own little oasis, I changed my mind.  I just wasn't in the mood for The Cage, and got off at my normal stop instead and came home.

     That wasn't the only thinking taking place in my head at that point in time however.  On my ride home I realized that I was spiritually empty, at least as empty as an atheist like myself can be (which is pretty empty I mind add) and started questioning why that was.  I came to a interesting conclusion, sort of an "ah ha moment" if you will, I suffer from either a need to be wanted or a want to be needed.  Ponder that philosophical conundrum for a moment.  Not that love is part of that equation, I get by just fine without a relationship, thank you very much.  And just like a handicapped person successfully completing some physical task, I have managed to figure out how to do things on my own, by myself.  I have a lockdown on this flying solo shit, if it were an Olympic sport, I would get the gold medal easily.  I don't spend my time bemoaning the fact I have no one to share certain moments with.  I am more like Doug Hoerth in that regard than either he or I would have guessed when we worked together oh so many years ago.

     However, the want to be needed seems to make sense with the hours/days I put in at work.  6 days a week, every week, and some weeks all 7.  Heck Ed just asked me if I could pick up next Saturday nights shift (4th of July) and I said yes.  I can't tell you the last company holiday I was off work, and work fills the void of being needed/wanted.  There I feel like I am doing something of merit.  Typing this shit, not so much.

     Speaking of typing this shit, the guest blogging spot is what I would say "up in the air" at this moment.  I extended the invitation to this blogger right here, given that I like her writing and level of snarkiness and her info page said she might be interested in guest blogging on a page.  Since I had mentioned last year that a guest blogger might be a good idea, given my level of mundaness at the time, I asked if she would be interested.  When she said yes, I thought, "wow, this is cool, someone whose writing I like might appear here, rather than me linking to it (like I just did above) and hoping against hope someone actually clicks the link".   So the other night before venturing off to the park for one of my blogs from the park bench, I added a reply to hers, stating that I would like her to write something if interested and there were really no rules beyond those she would put on herself.  I thought I had hit send on the reply before I left for the park, but when I came back the reply was gone.  I figured I had gone and fucked something up, forgot to press send or some such nonsense (a problem I often have when putting together orders at work too, only to return to the page a couple of days later and find a shopping cart full of things I forgot to order), so I banged out another reply similar to the first one, and made sure I hit send this time.  And again it is gone, so I am doubting whether or not anything will come of it.  I will not put too much significance to it, it is just a blog entry after all, not open heart surgery.  In the grand scheme of things it isn't that important.  To quote Ed, "It is what it is."  By writing this much about it, I probably have already given it more attention than it deserves.

     Oh, last nite the Nigerian email scam happened again.  I got another of those Facebook messages, my baby and I are out on the street, could you send $60 so we could get into a program.  I replied with the link to the article I linked to a few entries back (you know, this one right here) and said "It is probably best I extricate myself from this situation as soon as possible."  This is the downfall to wanting to be needed, sometimes you want it so much that you have blinders on to the obvious.  Me and my judgement concerning  women though, I should know better than to trust myself.

     I have come to the firm conclusion though that when I die, it will be alone in my apartment and I will be discovered only when I don't show up for work in the morning.