The Amazing Klee Irwin

Well now, it has been a while since I have gone to the trouble of blogging about my life in general, maybe because I have seen my typing and I know all of the corrections that comes with proofreading (or spell checking) one of my rants. That being said, eventually I need to just catch up on things, lest you think my life has gotten all exciting or something and you missed out on it. Trust me, you didn't miss anything exciting, as I will explain as we go along.

We will start first though with another Joe Random update. I finished my first season, sitting most of the last month on the bench. I was still playing well at AAA and decided that I would request a call up to the major league franchise. Amazingly, the computer agreed with my talents and sent me up to the Devil Rays major league franchise. Unfortuneately, once I got there, I again clicked on the option to "Simulate to next appearance" only to find I was never called off of the bench, so I spent the better part of my last month just riding the pine. As a result, the major league stats didn't change at all, as for the AAA numbers, I finished the year with a .413 average, 22HRs, 24 doubles, 4 triples, 58 runs and 68 RBI's. Not too shabby for my first year. Of course I only signed a one year deal, so I had to renegotiate my second contract and again decided to stay with the Devil Rays system (a home town discount, see I am loyal). I signed another one year contract and have just started to get season 2 underway, though again I am starting at the AAA level, and since I requested a call up last season, I have to wait 60 days after I get sent back to the minors before I can request another one, and since I was in the majors at the end of last season, that means it will be 60 days into season 2 before I can make the request again.

Change meter time, we add another $.17 so the new total is $15.73. I remember when I first started this and the guesses for what I would find in a year. Here is is better than a year and a half in and I still haven't reached those lofty goals. I do have hope though, as I did get a part time gig finally. After waiting for Target to call to say when I could start my orientation, I decided screw them, I've invested far too much of my time waiting and far too little actually earning money. Instead I will be working at Subway shop about three blocks from my apartment. Looks harmless enough, not great money but only slightly less than Target wanted to start me at and I will reach the lofty Target starting wage after 30 days, so I really have no reason to accept the Target offer at all now. I am hoping that they still call just so I can tell them to cram it, though in less friendly terms than that. One of the things I noticed when I worked at McDonald's was that people dropped change all of the time, most employees would put it in the McDonald House Charity box. Not me, charity begins at home my friend, and given what they were paying me, every extra penny was one I earned, even if it didn't come directly from the company. Here's hoping more people drop more money at Subway and I can get to updating the change meter more often.

I mentioned something a couple of entries back that I realized I never followed up on, the dreaded Klee Irwin mention. Actually I am glad no one called me on it, I almost hope no one knows who he is. After all, who better to bring you some wholesome goodness like Klee Irwin than yours truly? Klee pushes a product called "Dual Action Cleanse", it claims that in can help alleviate some problems you may have in bowel movements by removing impacted fecal matter from the colon. Far be it from me to actually try the product and come back with a rating, the infomercial is enough to make me never want to try the product. Let's excuse the fact that Klee has the look of a cross between a 70s porn star and Snidley Whiplash for just a moment and consider how Klee pitches his product. Can we get some tape in here please?

How does this go down actually? Does Klee wait outside the bathroom door while his daughter is doing her business and then say "Remember not to flush until I check that out!!!!" Is there some great mystery that I am just not in on where it is okay to stick your head in the bowl after someone goes, just so see how long and thick it is? Maybe I was just brought up in an improper manner, after all, Klee isn't the only one checking out his children's stool..........

So Gary doesn't feel right, he has no energy despite the fact that he is eating healthy and taking vitamins. So what does Gary choose to do to alleviate the problem? He too checks out his childrens' stool, as if the answers to all of Gary's problems may be found in his kids' turds. I am almost scared to wonder if he didn't poke at them in the bowl in case the answer was written on the face down side of the fecal matter. In brings to mind the days when people used to tell the future with chicken entrails. This wouldn't be as funny except for the fact it runs literally every single morning on cable someplace, one of the fledgling cable networks looking to make a couple of bucks with paid programming cuts a deal with Dual Action Cleanse, and there is Klee, 365 days a year, reminding us that his daughter's crap is as thick as his wrist and as long as her arm . Mind you I would be frightened if I started crapping stuff as long as my arm, but that is neither here nor there. This stuff is comedy gold for people who sit through it, though the fact they run it early morning means that in order to watch it, you will have to give up breakfast if you have a weak stomach. There is something not all that appetizing about sitting down to some bacon and eggs only to find Klee was checking out what his daughter ate last night by swirling his head around a bowl full of her fecal matter.

Now you know who Klee Irwin is, though there really is no need to thank me. Your kindness is thanks enough. Speaking of kindness, my birthday is in just a few days, so get shopping already and anyone thinking of sending me Dual Action Cleanse, don't.