Stolen Content - "WAFS - Enemies of the blog page"

September 08, 2008 Please Don't Ruin My Fantasy Chris Ballard

I'VE GOT this one friend who's impossible to get ahold of. Unless, that is, I send him a fantasy trade proposal, in which case he responds pretty much instantaneously. Sometimes I go so far as to embed personal messages. Tom Brady for Steven Jackson ... When's your wife due? Last week was different, though. Last week I heard from him nine times. Naturally, our league drafted on Monday.

Yes, fantasy football season is back, that time of year when rational men act in irrational ways. According to a doctor friend, during the night shift at a Bay Area hospital last weekend, both on-duty ER docs were huddled around a computer, poring over draft rankings for an hour. Appendicitis? Surely it can wait until the fourth round. Then there's my neighbor, who has two kids and works at a high school. He prepared for his first day of work by—what else?—flying to Vegas for a weekendlong draft. He returned on Sunday night, exhausted but rapturous. Eyes bleary, voice like charcoal, he uttered two triumphant words: Adrian Peterson.

Once, we might have explained away such behavior as that of the fringe obsessive. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm starting to think it's more socially acceptable to play fantasy sports than not to. Nearly 20 million Americans do it; even real athletes play. When I spoke with Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday last week, he was far more interested in discussing his fantasy team than the NL West race (and considering the NL West this year, I don't blame him). As it turns out, Matt and I made the same first-round pick this season, so allow me to speak for both of us when I say, Marion Barber, we're counting on you, buddy!

This addiction does not pay for itself. According to an August report from a Chicago research group, fantasy football will cost U.S. employers an estimated $9.2 billion in lost work time this season. That's more than the city budget of San Francisco, more than the GNP of Jamaica. Hell, you could buy nine NFL franchises for that money. And that's not even factoring in other fantasy sports or the amount of leisure time consumed by draft recon and tense score monitoring. How tense? A University of Mississippi study found that nearly half of fantasy players rarely or never drink while watching games because they take a "more business-like approach." Thanks, Bill, but no tall boys for me today. Can't you see I'm working here?

Who will stop the fantasy madness, you ask? The WAFS, that's who. No, not the Wisconsin Alliance for Fire Safety, though I hear it does fine work, but rather Women Against Fantasy Sports, a group started by Allison Lodish, a 35-year-old self-proclaimed fantasy widow whose husband recently joined his 10th fantasy football league. The WAFS website features a message board for members to post horror stories, like the tale of the newlywed whose betrothed spent the inaugural evening of their honeymoon managing his squad. The site also sells apparel with up-the-revolution mottoes such as CLOSED FOR THE FANTASY SEASON (on, uh, panties) and I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR FANTASY. Ouch. How are we men supposed to respond? By starting DORKs (Dudes Obsessed with Ranking Kickers)?

Perhaps the two sides just need to talk it out. So I called Lodish and arranged to meet at a coffee shop near her home in Kentfield, Calif. At first glance she looked friendly—curly blonde hair, big smile—but then so do black bears before they tear your scalp off. She explained the site's origin, saying, "Nobody's ever really come out publicly and said, You guys are a bunch of lame-asses for getting emotionally involved in this stuff." I countered that just last week a stay-at-home dad won $1 million in a fantasy fishing contest (33-year-old Michael Thompson, livin' the dream!). In return, she offered some advice, "Chris, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." She said something else too, but I didn't catch it, because I was too busy checking the Red Sox--Yankees box score on my cellphone. After all, there are only three weeks left in the fantasy baseball season.

When I got home, my wife wanted to know if I had "learned" anything. I thought for a second. Sure, Lodish had a decent argument. And, true, even a pro jock—Giants outfielder Randy Winn, who plays in four fantasy football leagues—said, when I told him about WAFS, "They do have a point." And, yeah, I probably could be more productive with my time.

So I turned to my wife, figuring I should be honest, and singled out the most important thing I'd learned during the talk with Lodish.

"Well," I said, "Jason Giambi was 2 for 2 with a homer...."

Stolen Content - The "Let Them Eat Cake" edition

More booze and cake!

Cruel recession got you down? Buck up, pal. Good news abounds!

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What's the matter, patriot? Don't enjoy seeing your stock portfolio slashed in half for greed-obsessed reasons beyond your control? None too pleased with how much of your 401(k) account has burned to a crisp, like John McCain's ethical boundaries? Home worth a fraction of what you paid and the neighbors have all moved away as squads of homeless people now squat in the 350K tract-McMansion next door, staring a mite too hungrily at your dog?

Housewives! Have you taken to the online message boards recently, posting bleak, depressing notes of fear and uncertainty after your husband lost his job of 20 years and the kids are asking uncomfortable questions? Or maybe you're one of the super-wealthy, quaking in your Upper East Side Gucci riding boots over the collapse of your family fortune and self-esteem and who, pray who, will polish the fleet of Aston Martins?

Or perhaps you're none of these, and you're just a sweet young thing, still in your what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-world phase, with no real idea what the hell a "portfolio" or "recession" or "hedge fund manager" actually are, but it doesn't really matter because you're still stuck with this sinking feeling that Something Is Deeply Wrong.

Do you know this feeling? The sense that the bumbling, squinty-faced dude in the White House is about to step down, and this wrecked economy, this decimated nation, this toxic sickness will be his final parting gift, like some sort of nasty STD he and his cronies passed on to you, while you didn't even realize you were getting royally screwed?

Well, enough whining. It's time to buck up and hunker down and tighten your belts and employ all those other metaphors that indicate frugality, squeezing, smallness, bitterness and frustration and Zoloft and mom 'n' dad sighing heavily at the kitchen counter, staring at a stack of bills and then over at their kids' evaporated college fund and saying, well, I guess community college won't be that bad.

Yes, despite how our most powerful leaders and supposedly rock-solid institutions have failed us completely, just remember, there is still good news to be had. No matter which side of the political aisle you're stuck to, this historic recession has its bright spots, its upside.

Well, sort of.

Liberals get to be happy about the meltdown because, at the very least, it means no new wars. Hell, right now we couldn't afford to invade Kentucky, much less Iran. Turns out the Bush Doctrine ("Bomb First, Ask Questions Never") is just wildly expensive. Who knew?

As Obama blearily points out, right now we're headed toward a trillion for Iraq and $700 billion in bailouts and $10 trillion in overall deficit, thanks to Bush's historic ineptitude. Whipping out the checkbook to nail Pakistan to the wall? Out of the question.

(Side note to China: Those secret plans to invade America? Now is the time. We're totally helpless. You own most of our debt anyway. Can you bring extra iPods and some decent dim sum? Thank you.)

As for Republicans, well, they have good reason to smile, too, even if it's one of those creepy sidelong sneers akin to Dick Cheney eating a live cobra.

For one thing, the global production slowdown means oil prices are suddenly half of what they were just a few months ago. Translation: Gas prices are back to around 3 bucks a gallon for perhaps the final time in your lifetime, cheap enough that you can load up the Avalanche one last time and take the rugrats on one last cross-country hunting trip this holiday season because, well, it's not like you can afford any Christmas shopping anyway.

Another small victory for peevish Repubs who are about to lose the White House and go down in history as the most failed leadership in decades? Global warming. Turns out we can't afford that right now, either. Or rather, we can't afford to pass any costly, enviro-friendly legislation that might destabilize energy prices, because no one wants to be caught trying to save the planet when many Americans can't afford hot water. Isn't that nice?

Even the evangelicals get a piece of the recession action. Because you know who's back? God! Church attendance is up right now, I hear. Nothing like fear of losing it all to make the wary masses and the banking CEOs stagger back to the church and drop to their knees and offer up their firstborn in exchange for a serious uptick in GM stock prices.

And finally, we have the universal panacea, the Great Equalizer. Can you guess? The single cheap, friendly cure-all everyone turns to in time of need and fiscal downturn, even more than God and porn and basic cable? You got it: Booze. Watch for a nice surge in alcoholism rates and sales of giant gallon drums of vodka from Costco. By the way, now might be the perfect time to open that dive bar you've always dreamed of. Numbness is in. Especially for you doubly decimated Republicans.

(Oh yes, the cake thing. Let me just say, the Safeway Bake Shop must be making a mint right now, what with all the meager farewell parties going on at downsizing companies nationwide. The Chronicle alone has been veritable cake factory this past month, following the paper's latest miserable round of buyouts and layoffs. There you have it: Booze and cake, America's true economic indicators).

What, too bleak? Probably. But really, when it comes to the economy, it's tough not to be just a little bitter right now, to wallow in a bit of morbid humor.

To be honest, there really are some genuine upsides of a recession. We use less. We become more aware. We drive less, walk more, produce less crap we don't actually need, churn out fewer pollutants, become highly attuned to waste and excess, dial into opportunity, travel locally, skip vacuous trends, become less fickle, appreciate bargain wines, breathe cleaner air, save, appreciate, savor.

Then again, recessions are also playgrounds for the paranoid, Slip n' Slides of undue fear. Fear of losing it all. Fear that maybe you shouldn't be quite so generous anymore. Fear that now is not the time to be interesting or atypical or bold. The kind of fear that leads to constriction, constipation, Dick Cheney. You can cling and clench instead of breathe, shrug, move through.

Which I suppose is the gist of it all, right there. It can't be all bad, if you think about it. At least we still have a choice. Don't we?

Glog - Steelers vs Jaguars (it's about time I actually post this)

The game actually took place last Sunday, I am now getting around toposting the glog.  Go me!!!

 

Well, I promised a glog, so I better get at it huh?

Actually I will admit that hadn't I promised this, I probably wouldn't do it. But I did, me and my stupid mouth and all that jazz and here I am.

I am in the process of making dinner, not sure what it will actually be, something and french fries, that is as far as I have gotten to this point.

My fantasy teams arre doing okay to this point, the baseball team finished in thrid, plus I did win 4 categories, so I will pocket $85 bucks, just some chump change given it was $55 to get in. The football team is 2-2, but I am looking decent this week with 2 TDs each from Peyton Manning, Matt Forte, Steve Slaton and TJ Houshmanzadeh. And hockey just got underway Saturday, though the first goal of my fantasy hockey team's season was scored by Marcus Naslund, so he is at least off to a decent start and let's not forget Satan, who got me an assist. Always nice to get an assist from the dark prince.

I quick rundown on tonight's game, the Pittsburgh Steelers are playing the Jacksonville Jaguars. There is a little bit of bad blood between these squads as Jacksonville beat Pittsburgh last year in the playoffs, ending Pittsburgh's season. Pittsburgh enters tonight's contest in first place in the AFC North with a 3-1 record, though their offense has been beaten down the past couple of weeks, having lost both their first and second string running backs and being forced to resign Najeh Davenport this past week just to have enough guys in uniform. Jacksonville is 2-2 and needs a win to stay competitive in the AFC South. A win would keep them two games behind Tennessee and in second place, who is 5-0, a loss and they would fall to third place in the 4 team division.

While we are waiting for the game to get underway I suppose I could think of something witty to say, but thinking is a lot like working, and I am not much for working on my free time these days.

Fries are done, and I am saved by the bell so to speak, as I used my microwave timer to keep track of things and it just went off.

As for what to eat with it, thankfully I had a tub of chicken salad in the fridge, so chicken salad sandwiches it is. The epitome of laziness, that's me.

I really hope tonight's game isn't a snoozefest, I would take a blowout over a snoozefest at this point, just some action to type between bites of food on this end of things. Otherwise I am going to be forced to talk about Pittsburgh's 250th birthday and panty fetishes, and I don't want to get into the good material until later unless I have to.

If I see out of sorts I balme it at least partially onm TV last night, as when i got homeI turned on the idiotbox, which is almost always a mistake and what to my eyes should appear but a rerun of this past week's episode of Knight Rider, and having witneesed more than 5 seconds of it, I officially feel dumber now than I did a few days ago. I will say that I was duped howver, as my digital antenna display said that Chuck was suppoosed to be on, a show that I can tolerate if for no other reason than the hot blonde in it. The writing isn't great, but passable enough that it can at times be entertaining and the added hotnees factor means I can at least sit through an episode without fear of massive suicide by my brain cells.

And the game is underway. Pittsburgh gets the ball first and will start from their own 18 yard line.

The first play and Pittsburgh runs the ball with Mewelde Moore, who is starting due to the injuries at running back and he gets about 15 on the carry with 15 added due to an unneccesary roughness call on Jacksonville. Next up on the first down reel, Roethlisberger hits Hines Ward, two plays for Pittsburgh and two first downs.

An incomplete pass and a sack later and Pittsburgh has a 3rd and 18 and Ben Roethlisberger hits his favorite target, Rashean Mathis, who happens to play for Jacksonville and 72 yards later it is an interception return for a touchdown. That is the 5th time that Roethlisberger has thrown an interception to Mathis in his career and the second time Mathis has returned it for a touchdown against Pittsburgh. Jacksonville has the early 7-0 lead.

Well, the fries are quite tasty, the trick is to leave them in the oven a few extra minutes so that they are crispy. I usually do mine for 30 minutes at 450 degrees, but since ovens vary, I don't call that a specific receipe for anyone person in particular.

Pittsburgh has the ball back again, funny thing, getting the ball back after giving up points. But that is the way the game is played last I heard.

Two plays net Pittsburgh zero yards, so it is 3rd and 10 and Roethlisberger finds Santonio Holmes for a first down.

Pittsburgh may be driving here, three plays later, all runs, and they have their second first down of the drive. A pass to Moore gets another first down and Pittsburgh is in the red zone, inside the Jacksonville 20 yard line. On third and 7, Roethlisberger finds Heath Miller for another first down and Pittsburgh is inside the Jacksonville 5 yard line.

Pittsburgh scores on a pass from Roethlisberger to Miller and pending an extra point we have a tie ball game. The kick is good and it is 7-7 and Jacksonville may get to run their first offensive play, nearly 10 minutes into tonight's contest.

Jacksonville takes over on their own 26 yard line and manages just a one yard gain on two plays so Jacksonville will be stuck with a 3rd and 9 and David Garrard finds Matt Jones for the first down. Two more plays of no merit leave Jacksonville with their second 3rd and long, this time 3rd and 10 and again Jacksonville converts to keep the drive alive.

First and 10 and Garrard goes deep to Matt Jones and the pass is incomplete, but a pass interference call on the Pittsburrgh defense gives Jacksonville an automatic first down at the 1 yard line. One play later and Maurice Jones-Drew punches it in and Jacksonville retakes the lead, 14-7 and the game is still in the first quarter. I have to admit, there has ben more action in the first quarter of this glog than in the entire last game I glogged.

A dish network commercial just came on, with Frank Caliendo who apparently is funny, I just don't see it. Then again, I question whether there are any funny people left anymore. Well, save for myself, who I find hilarious on rare occasion, but beyond that, these people that are on TV and in movies that are supposed to be funny just aren't.

Pittsburgh comes out oin their next drive trying a no huddle offense to keep Jacksonville on their toes, but that doesn't work very well when you commit two false start penalties in two plays. Instead, Pittsburgh opts to slow things down for the 3rd and 10 and as has been the case this game, another conversion on 3rd and long, Roethlisberger to Hines Ward for 12 and a first down. Two plays later and its Ward again with a first down catch and that ends the first quarter of action, with Jacksonville leading 14-7.

I did do the two Pogo challenges this week, I haven't done my personal and may not, I haven't decided yet. I did pick up a third badge though in Monopoly, a badge that is issued when all four players land on the same game space at the same time. No bonus tokens for it, just another badge for the collection.

Pittsburgh continues to drive, they have picked up two more first downs here early in the second quarter, one on a Moore run and another on a Ward catch and Pittsburgh has been moving the ball pretty easily against Jacksonville to this point.

Two more Moore runs and Pittsburgh has a 3rd and 3 at the Jacksonville 20 yard line. Roethlisberger throws off of his back foot and the pass is short of its intended target bringing up 4th down and Pittsburgh settles for a Jeff Reed field goal and it is Jacksonville 14 Pittsburgh 10. Editors note: While I make mention of Roethlisberger throwing off of his back foot, John Madden proceeds to call it a good idea, not even mentioning that the quarterback was falling backward trying to throw a pass, showing once again why he should just shut up and eat and leave the commentating to us professionals.

Jacksonville gets a good return on the ensuing kickoff, getting out to their own 39 yard line. Two play again net no yards but unlike previously, Pittsburgh doesn't give up a first down, Garrard scrambles for about 5 but we see the games first punt, 19 minutes and 43 seconds into the contest, far better than the last glogging effort.

Roethlisberger hits Santonio Holmes on first down on a quick slant and it is good for a first down and then some, 19 yards in fact.

Three plays later and Nate Washington is wide open and Roethlisberger finds him for a 48 yard touchdown pass and Pittsburgh has taken the lead for the first time tonight, 17-14.

A quick mention on the fantasy hockley front. Lee, who claims he knows nothing about the sport of ice hockey, has seen Dany Heatley score three goals in his first two games on Lee's fantasy roster. Okay young man, the kid gloves are off. Actually, come to think of it, I should check and see if there are any games tomorrow so I can set my lineup.

Jacksonville again goes three and out, and save for a pass interference penalty in the end zone that gave Jacksonville the ball on the Pittsburgh 1 yard line, the defense has played well, it was a turnover that reulted in the other score, something that the defense had nothing to do with.

Jacksonville looked like they would hold Pittsburgh to a three and out but after an incomplete pass, a taunting call is issued against the Jacksonville defense giving Pittsburgh an automatic first down and keeping the possession alive for Pittsburgh, at least for three more plays before Pittsburgh is forced to punt, just their first one of the first half.

Jacksonville does the three and out thing again and is forced to punt and Pittsburgh has taken the opportunity to start another drive, getting a couple of first downs, one on a Carey Russell run and another on a pass to Heath Miller as the first half reaches the 2 minute warning.

First down and Roethlisberger again to Heath Miller, good for 15 yards and another first down. An incomplete pass and on second and 10 it is Santonio Holmes who makes the catch at the Jacksonville five yard line for another first down Ward drops a touchdown pass on first down and second down Moore runs the ball, but only for a yard leaving Pittsburgh with a third and goal and just under a minute left in the first half. An incomplete pass and Pittsburgh settles for a Jeff Reed field goal to extend the lead to Pittsburgh 20 Jacksonville 14.

Jacksonville gets the ball back with 45 seconds left and on first down they get nailed with an offensive facemask call, leaving them with a first and 20. Rather than risk it, Jacksonville just takes a knee to run out the clock and Pittsburgh goes into the lockerroom with a 20-14 lead. Jacksonville should be happy to only be down 6 points, given they have only amassed 50 yards of total offense to this point.

But it is halftime, which means I have to blather about things for another 15 minutes before we get back to game action. Let's see, i did add another $1.37 to the change meter, so the new total is $39.00. I may make $40 by Christmas at this rate.

I also made a sandwich during halftime. I don't like the store bought chicken salad nearly as much as I like the egg salad. I can do far better than this paltry offering.

So far tonight I have seen at least three political ads. I don't now if those are local buys or national, but if they are local buys, they are smartly placed. Few things will reach as many local voters as a Steeler game on TV.

Jacksonville gets the ball to start the second half, and the kickoff is returned out to the 29 yard line.

Jacksonville gets the first first down of the second half as David Garrard finds Mike Walker with a pass on third down to keep the opening possession of this half alive. The Jacksonville drive stalls, as after getting into field goal range, they take a 10 yard holding penalty and follow it up with a sack, and instead of a potential three points out of the drive, they instead are forced to punt.

Pittsburgh gets their first possession of the second half and does nothing with it, just three plays and a punt, so while the third quarter is about 6 minutes old, the score remains the same, 20-14.

If it seems like I am not as descriptive here in the second half it is because less has actually happened. The game has slowed down considerably. But just as I type that, Jacksonville is faced with a 4th and 1 around midfield and goes for it and a pass to Greg Jones gets enough for the first down. All of a sudden Jacksonville is in Pittsburgh territory again, looking to add to their point total. Again Jacksonville is faced witha 4th down, this time 4th and 7 and rather than try a 52 yard field goal, they go for it again, with less success than last time and Pittsburgh will take over possession of the football and still holding onto a 6 point lead.

Pittsburgh's second possession of the second half is much like their first, a three and out and all of the excitement of the first half has been replaced by a tedium that is enveloping the second half.

Jacksonville takes all of three plays to get the ball into Pittsburgh's end of the field for the third time this quarter, two of which are passes to Mike Walker, who has emerged as possibly the only bright spot on the Jacksonville offense to this point. However on first down, Jacksonville gets called for offensive holding and they start to do what they have done in previous forays into this end of the field, which is self destruct. The third quarter clock runs out before another play can be called so with one quarter to go it is still Pittsburgh 20 Jacksonville 14.

Pittsburgh commits a stupid penalty, unsportsmanlike conduct and helps Jacksonville keep the drive alive, and one play later David Garrard hits his tight end Mercedes Lewis with a touchdown pass, and early in the fourth quarter Jacksonville has the lead back, Jacksonville 21 Pittsburgh 20.

At least the commercials haven't been as blatantly annoying as they usually are, though it does cut down on things to blog about during the breaks.

Pittsburgh's first play on their next possession is not a good one, they take a sack, though Roethlisberger did pump fake three times, which gave the defense more time to get to him than they normally would have had.

Pittsburgh lucks out, a Jacksonville penalty, defensive holding, keps alive their drive just when it looked to be dead in the water. And on first down, Moore gets possibly his first carry of the second half and he picks up another first down.

Still, despite getting a couple of first downs Pittsburgh is again forced to punt and their offense is looking alot like the effort that Jacksonville put forth on that side of the ball in the first half. So Jacksonville will take possession of the ball with 11 minutes and change left of a game that sees them lead, 21-20.

Pittsburgh's defense holds eventually, but not till after Jacksonville gets to run a few extra plays off of a very questionable roughing the passer call on the Steelers that gave Jacksonville an automatic first down. Mind you during the drive once again John Madden signified his stupidity by saying that Jacksonville was staying out of third and long situations by throwing on first down and that they got away from it on a third and 18, but it was a first down sack on a passing play that set up the third and long. He really is a freaking dumb ass.

First down Pittsburgh and Hines Ward makes a catch good for 15 yards and a first down, so the drive starts out on a promising note. Of course a second first down actually ends up losing yards as Nate Washington taunts a defensive player after making a catch, good for 15 yards in the wrong direction.

Mewelde Moore rips off another big run on first down and Pittsburgh is getting into field goal range, should the need arise to kick one. And it may as Pittsburgh is faced with a 3rd and 8 from the 32. Roethlisberger makes a tough throw while getting hit, but the pass finds Hines Ward and Pittsburgh has another first down. Roethlisberger is slow getting up after being hit, and Pittsburgh will let the clock tick down to just 2:07 remaining in the contest before taking a timeout, in order to get him some extra time to recover from the hit.

Pittsburgh has a 3rd and 5 from the Jacksonville 8 yard line and just 1:50 left to play and Roethlisberger finds Hines Ward for the touchdown and the lead has changed hands again. Pittsburgh is going to try for two points and a 7 point lead. The conversion fails, but Pittsburgh still leads, 26-21 with 1:53 left to play.

Jacksonville returns the kickoff to the 26 yard line, so they are 74 yards away from taking the lead back in this contest. Three plays and Jacksonville only gets one yard, so once again Jacksonville will go for it on 4th down, this time out of neccesity and Garrard finds Matt Jones for the first down. The clock in under one minute remaining and Jacksonville is still over 60 yards away from scoring. First down and Garrard scrambles form maybe a yard, and a sack on second down creates more problems for Jacksonville. Third down and an incomplete pass so it is 4th and 14 for Jacksonville and Garrard's pass is batted down and Pittsburgh looks like they will win this one, they need only take a knee and this game is over.

And it is a final, Pittsburgh wins 26-21.